Satire: Student’s Essay Marked Within Days of Hand-in

Marcus Ponsonby-Frogspawn was yesterday aghast to find that his formative essay on global political economies was ready for collection. He had only handed it in four days previously. When we spoke to him Marcus, a Hatfield second year, was only able to mouth something about “garbled structure” before relapsing tragically into silence. However, fortunately for us a close friend was on hand to confide on his behalf.

“Normally,” he whispered through white and trembling lips “he has at least a month, if not the whole of the Christmas holidays, to forget what he wrote about. This being the first essay of the term the whole thing has come as a real shock to the system. He’s used to getting those five highly embarrassing minutes of tutor feedback when he’s written at least four other completely unrelated essays and has enough residual mulled wine in his liver to make the whole experience bearable. By that time, not only are the specifics of the topic buried deep in the past, but he can also blame any major mistakes on early term rustiness. Through a cunning process of self-deception, he consistently manages to persuade himself that mediocre performance is nothing to worry about. Marcus normally comes out of those feedback sessions a cross between Goliath and Churchill. This time he didn’t stand a chance. Look at him, he’s a wreck.”

The friend also went on to note sadly that “It’s almost doubled his pint time.”

He concluded with this disquieting thought, an idea so horrible that it reduced many others listening to our conversation to incoherent babbling. “None of us are safe. What if this happens again? Next time it could be me. What if all our essays are handed back promptly and we receive useful feedback on them well before our next deadline? We’ll suddenly start having to show improvement in our subsequent writing. Never again will I be able to blame the system for my lack of significant academic progression throughout the year!”

Thankfully, however, we managed to console Marcus’s friend with the thought that lightning rarely strikes twice and that is was thus highly unlikely that he personally would see anything he’d written until after Palatinalps at the earliest.

Biochem Student seen in Vennels on a Tuesday

Did the lab explode?

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